i don't know. i just don't know..
the year is ending and i am ending the year feeling.... confuse. i am confuse about where i am in life (personal growth-wise) winter break was definitely what i needed. i am catching up on "exercising," eating, and sleeping. so many things have happened since the first day of break. both good and bad.
last two weeks
- in no chronological order. i ended work as a paraprofessional. it was an emotional day for everyone. i am never really the guy to be good at goodbyes. people were saying to me "it's bittersweet." however, i am being reminded more of the bitter than the sweet.
- health scare.
- christmas weekend was really gloomy (weather, no christmas lights, topic discussions, etc.) christmas eve was spent with family, and it definitely reminded me the importance of family and friends. i got food for christmas! people were hinting at me... to eat more.
- survived my first semester. so was not going to check my grades until the new school started but i caved. i was really worried because ever since i got my acceptance letter, i never really felt i had what it took. how maybe the acceptance letter was a mistake. i needed reassurance! i got it, but i am starting to doubt again. why? because of who i am! i'm really not the brightest. (people's inside jokes are really getting to me.... they were funny at first, but now it's getting old and tiring.)
- i hung out with someone new today. the person felt i was asking too many weird questions. I now question my stance on relationships. i am content with being single, but... i really have to be careful. i realized that i'm not really a catch. the future the future!!!! i hung out with a cute couple the other day and they were too cute. really cute. i feel i can never be that cute with someone, and that makes me sad. my point is that although i am content with the single life right now..... i'm not getting any younger. does that makes sense?
note: the first version was awesome. it didn't save, so this version is not as awesome lol
- 3 paths were laid out before me. I chose USC. "Look e-ber-body, I is a trojan nowz!"
- End of the summer fling. Ended shortly. I wanted to focus on school. Whatever.
- Another age older, another age little bit-ish wiser?
- New friends= new cast members=new characters (which will be introduced this year)
- Possible love interests. Still possibilities? I don't know what i want!
- Saw Miranda Cosgrove. She's my height! I'm actually sad by that.
- I have commitment issues. I tell people I am content with the single life and I don't really care for relationships right now. Which is true, but THEN why do I keep putting myself out there!?! I have no idea the severity of this just yet. I mean... is it only with relationships or commitment with just anything! Where does my commitment issues stem from? For relationships (e. dating, long-term dating, marriage) --- maybe from my parents failing/troubled marriage? OR I'm just lazy.
- I have this deep fear of failing. I guess I've always had that fear. But didn't realize how great of a fear it was until I attended USC. The fear stemmed from 6 grade to now. USC is so expensive. It's November and I already invested so much of my time and money. I am so afraid it will all be for nothing.
- I am learning to be more assertive and aggressive. I am learning to say NO when I don't really feel comfortable. I said learning... so I haven't quite mastered this ability.
- I have the most patient and the most understanding friends. You know who you are! If you don't -ASK ME
That's it for... now. It's only November. I am pretty sure there's still a lot more self-discovering to happen.
"life" -photo by me
So every time a chapter of my life closes, I compare them to season finales or series finales, just cause you'd never know what's gonna happen next. That's what's so scary, are we gonna get picked up for next season? are we getting canceled or just going on a indefinite hiatus? or am i just leaving this series, but coming back for a few guest spots.... We say our goodbyes or our see you laters, pack our bags, and then drive off towards the horizon ---- close the chapter and come to terms with it, so we can finally move on with our lives. (Sounds like i'm narrating for one of those teen television shows huh?)
Yesterday, I found out that one of my friends got a job in San Francisco and leaving home in two days. Just seeing where she is right now with her life, I feel nothing but the utmost love and happiness for her. She's going off taking on this big big world and she's going to be amazing. I cannot help tho... but feel sad because I only saw her once this year.
Her example tells me that "wow, life is really happening." I look at everyone else's lives and their lives are moving forward too. Friends graduating, friends getting married, friends having babies, or even going to grad schools. I am someone who lives life IN THE MOMENT, rather then planning ahead. And I honestly do not think about where I am going to be in the next 3 to 5 years. Because what can i really do about it now!? All I will be doing is think about it... talk about it.... Why create unnecessary stress for myself?
But over the pass couple of weeks, different people have made me question the future. One friend goes "who cares if you get laid off! You're not going to be working here forever! go find yourself a real job!" The operative word: real Another friend goes "what's your plan!?! without a plan... you won't have a purpose! so what's your purpose??" Then there are the 19-20 year olds I've come across meeting, which for some reason made me go "oh snap, i'm going to be _____ in 5 years!"
So what is my purpose in life? Will I be attending USC in the fall? What is real? Will I be the same age in 5 years? Will I have a love interest? and What in the world is the next song in my ipod shuffle?!
snap. With that... I guess this season's going to end with a cliffhanger. DUN DUN DUN
1. I feel good about applying to grad school, but I might not even be able to apply because one person ( whom would had more than sufficient time) haven't started on writing me a recommendation and the deadline's less than two weeks away. ANYHOO, i was at USC the other day turning in my transcript when i don't know... fear... doubt... came rushing over me. I didn't feel smart enough and because of that... i thought to myself... maybe i don't belong here.
2. I've been having this one unsettling dream over and over again with three of the same people! Each dream's a different scenario! what does it all mean!!!??
************* i can not finish my thought. i can not finish this post. this post was autosaved... and wasn't reopened 'til today MAY 19TH :) since i wrote "the deadline's less than two weeks away," i'm guessing i started this post less than two weeks from March 15th, the deadline date- haha
So what's new?
"the caterpillar of my life" photo by me.